蜜分 Honeyscore

keep calm and writing fanfic (AO3 ID: honeyscore)

 

It's been a hard year, but it's going to pass in a few days. There was a voice telling me that she is afraid of hearing happy new year because it feels like she might not be able to live up to that, another voice said don't worry, it is not a quest or a promise, it's a harmless ritual people do in order to not be too discouraged by how formidably bad the last year went. I choose to listen to the second one, and try to ignore the first one. When I was in primary school I kept this little notepad, like a diary or a journal, whenever a new year comes near i would spend day and night dwelling on things i should have done but never did, and things that I wanted to accomplish in the next year, i would write them down on my little notepad as if I was in a RPG game and the pad was my quest board. I stopped doing that after I went to middle school and haven't picked it up until just now, when that first voice shortly took over my mind. 

If there are anything, any goal that I wish to achieve in the new year, it is probably to quit feeling ashamed. Shame, at its core, is an endless chain that feeds on the skin of your soul. I say it's a chain because when you get used to that emotion, it goes nuts really quick: you feel ashamed that you are weak/untalented/disgusting/incompetent/can't control your cravings/etc.(1), then you feel ashamed of feeling ashamed of the person you are programmed to become(2), next you can't help but feeling ashamed of feeling ashamed of feeling ashamed of becoming the person you are programmed to become(3)... it can go on for a lot further, and pretty soon you will find that there is no skin left to keep your soul warm. It's also extremely good at disguise: sometimes it sneaks up on you posing as a "self inspiration motive", sometimes as a "reverse incentive" but at the end of the day, shame does no good. The only motivation that feeling ashamed can possibly provide is to make amends, but you don't get to become a better person by making amends, it's the shortcut we take to justify our fault or weakness, to feel at ease but it doesn't make us a better person, love helps us become a better person, hope helps us become a better person, faith helps us become a better person, making amends doesn't, shame doesn't and they never will. 

Speaking of love - some argure that we should stop portraying it as some invincible, omnipotent almighty force and some shout LOVE WINS! LOVE WINS. Judah Friedlander said he thinks hate has a pretty strong track record, he asked his audience, do you think love wins? Some shook head. "No, it doesn't. Because love is not a competition. If you view love as something about winning or losing, you don't know what love is about. "                                          


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